Journal Entry 12.23.12

I know that this time of the year can be an emotional time for people. For me it’s the first holiday season in a number of years that I will not spend with my family, a wife, and two daughters.

I’m employed part-time at a Wal-Mart super store here in southern Arizona which is A 23 minute walk from here. I stock groceries overnight. It was the only job I could find at the time, when I was facing a potential homeless situation about 90 days ago. I made the decision to stay in Arizona as my family moved back to the mid-west. At the time I thought I knew what I was doing by deciding to stay here. I could be my own person and get a serious start on writing career.

I am very sad now, and I feel that I do not know what I’m doing or where I’m going anymore. I have brought adversity to those who did not need it. Did I make the right choice for me and my family or have I just made a grand mess of four people’s lives?  I beat myself up every day with that question. And on top of it all, there is no shortage of opinion from family members.

Some people say I need to get into a treatment center for depression, alcohol or both, while others just shake their heads and observe from afar. I have some support but my situation is so unusual that its uncharted territory and I feel no one can relate to it.

Here’s another fact that no one is aware of, I stopped taking my antidepressant medication 60 days ago. And by the way, I can’t recommend this. A lot of the time I don’t know if I have enough “horse power” to see this thing through. I just don’t know. Part of the reason for stopping the medication was that I wanted a life with no illusion. I wanted to experience what is real.

I keep asking myself if I should just give up on this quest to be my own man and become a writer. All I would have to do is agree to move back to the mid-west, get into a rehab facility (that is one of the conditions placed on me by the wife) and just start looking for a job, while I continue to write I guess. It’s that simple. My other family members would like to see that as well. Everyone one is afraid I’m going to off myself. Honestly, I’m a little scared about that myself at this point.

If I did go back, how could that be good? My marriage was over five years ago. The only good thing would be seeing my daughter and other family members more often. There is something to be said for that.  I have been staying together for the sake of the kids for some time now. I think it has become counterproductive and has done more harm than good for everyone involved.

Let me take it from another point of view, the otherside, if I do stay the current course. I would continue to write, working overnights, barely making ends meet. I am geographically where I want to be, I have been self sufficient for longer than I have been in years. I’m not making any money writing but I am at least giving it effort. It is true that I feel sad on a daily basis; I’m not having any fun whatsoever. I live in a dump and can only afford to eat crappy food. I have no money, no car, no clothes, no insurance, no health care, little hope, and zero friends. Will that change? I just don’t know, so much for a life with no illusion.

What the hell am I thinking about? This time I certainly didn’t take the path of least resistance when deciding to stay out here. Am I taking a big risk by staying? There is no question about that. Is there a chance that the risk may not pay off, oh hell yes. Would life be easier back in the mid-west? So what the hell am I doing? At this time I just do not know.

What if staying out here eventually does work out and I end up living my dream? Is living life my way, really that important to me? I think that it might be.

Well it must be because I’m still here. I am going to need help if I’m going to continue to make this all work out. That help will have to come from faith and a few other people that I do not yet know… I cannot do this alone. I just don’t have the “horse power” right now. God please help me.

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